Fighting Yourself

During the year that I had cancer, I was a bad liar. I would tell my family and friends that I was okay and fighting like a warrior.  There was one person who was also my main caregiver that called me out on my lie, my mom.  She said I see the pain in your eyes and not that serene place you are trying to paint for everyone.  Your eyes are the gateway to your soul and I can tell that you are in so much pain physically and emotionally.  She told me that I was a strong warrior at battle, but to remember that I was not alone.  I was surrounded by loved ones and most importantly God was taking care of me during this huge trial in my life.  After this conversation, I was finally able to open up about the tremendous physical pain and ailments that I was experiencing every day, but I did not want to verbalize.   I was trying to prevent anyone from being afraid or worried about me.  Also, I finally acknowledged the fear that was consuming me certain days.  I would pray but my thoughts were contradicting my prayers.  I was having an internal battle as well.  I was trying to stay calm, some would say cold to try to control my fears but it was clearly not working.  I was just trying to make it through to survive and it was definitely not the solution to my survival.  I was able to finally say all the words that were inside my head and express the ways things were really happening.  I was able to express my true pain and that proclamation of my pain helped me change my mind and truly believe and have faith that God would take care of me every day of this battle.  As hard as it is to finally express all your pain, fears, thoughts and feelings, it is truly crucial to having faith in being able to survive.

#Faith