The day began on a positive note as I had woken up feeling better from my chemo treatment. This gave me the glimmer of hope for good news from the tests that I had taken to check on my progress. As I went into the doctor’s office, I walked in tall, full of hope and with joy in my heart. Unfortunately, I soon learned that many times in life things don’t turn out the way we hope. Needless to say, the test results were unfavorable and I was no longer responding to the treatment that I had been receiving. That day when I walked out of the doctor’s office, I felt completely the opposite of how I felt going in. Feelings of defeat, somber gloominess now occupied my heart. Externally, I presented a strong calm presence, but internally I was a complete wreck.
Once I got back home, I went straight to my room where I let my mind run wild with negative thoughts of defeat and failure. I thought that perhaps this was my fault. I must have made too many mistakes in my life and this were the consequences of those mistakes. I started to reflect and tried to think of when I had failed my family, my friends, when did I let them down, when did I fail as a person, when did I fail God. Mentally, I let my fears consume and overwhelm my mind, body and soul. I felt like a complete failure in life and a victim of my circumstances, due to having cancer.
After what felt like an eternity of hosting my very own private pity party of blaming myself, my failures and shedding what seem like a river of tears, I turned to God via prayer. Suddenly a feeling of calmness and relief came over me. I don’t know if I had exhausted myself or God gave me the realization that this was not a punishment or a consequence of anything that I had done wrong. In life things happen that we don’t have any control over. God made me see that, I was judging myself for what I considered my mistakes or failures however, God was not judging me. God never judges anyone. My cancer was not a punishment for anything I had done wrong. God reminded me that I needed to do the same thing that I had decided to do after I first was diagnosed with cancer, I needed to fight and remember that He is always by our side and that He will never fail us.
Now as a cancer survivor, I know the road is not easy and at times feelings of despair will creep in, but we must stay strong and know that despite of what test result and doctors tell us God always has the final say.