Life or Death

As I embarked in my long, strenuous battle with cancer, I frequently experienced life or death decisions. From the onset, this was the consensus. Each of the proposed treatment options offered to me could have resulted in a life or death sentence. I can’t express how devastated I felt at the time. Granted, I was young and the world was my oyster, and now all I saw was death knocking at my door. Internally, I was shouting at the top of my lungs, WHY ME? WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS? On the outside, I displayed a cold and stern poker face.

Numerous choices given and difficult decisions to make. My decisions were crucial which made me feel overwhelmed and consumed with grief. I just wanted to run away and pretend this wasn’t happening to me like it was just a dream. My inner thoughts kept me awake at night, repeatedly asking myself, how could this be happening to me? I was supposed to be enjoying my youth and decide my personal goals in life, and instead I was having to make decisions that would determine if I would live or die.  Every day felt like a double edge sword. On one hand, I was happy to be alive on the other I felt like I was dying. 

I had always heard the classic clichés, “Life is like a roller coaster”, “Don’t know what you got till it’s gone” but I never knew what they actually meant until now. My life did feel like a roller coaster going up and down with twists and turns afraid for my life wanting to throw up at any minute. Up to this point in my life, I thought I was invincible, bulletproof and there wasn’t anything that could harm me. Actually, I saw a slogan once that I liked and decided to live by it, “You sleep when you die”. To be candid, there had been countless times where I had been reckless with my life and taken huge risks without thinking of the consequences. You know typical early 20’s reckless behavior.

The miracle of life is an invaluable gift bestowed upon us when we are born. We should cherish every moment because life is extremely precious. Although cancer was a dreadful disease, it was also a gift from God for me. I learned to value the gift of life, my life. Each day could very well be my last day on this beautiful earth so I tried to make the most of each day regardless of how awful I felt. Unfortunately, I had not fully appreciated my life when I was full of life and in good health. Now, I had truly awoken and started living life. Enjoying the small things in life, enjoying time with family and friends, and learning to love myself. My life had forever changed for the better and I knew I would continue to fight and pray for life. My life was at a crossroad and I chose faith and hope. For me, having hope eased my inner pain and took away my fear. I learned how to pray and began a relationship with God. I discovered that no matter how difficult things are in the natural, God has the last word.

#Hope

  One thought on “Life or Death

  1. July 21, 2022 at 7:14 am

    Reblogged this on Cancer: The Upside.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. M
    July 22, 2022 at 12:21 am

    You sleep when you die or sleep is the cousin of death..two incredibly hard phrases to get past when one has anxiety. But it seems you are quite strong willed. I often times wish my Mom was like you, ya know you really want people with an illness to combat it with a strong will to live.

    Liked by 1 person

    • July 22, 2022 at 9:47 am

      Thank you M for reading & liking my blog as well as for your kind words of encouragement. I really appreciate all the support.

      Thank you for sharing a bit about your mom. All I can say is that
      everyone deals illness differently. I just hope that sharing my experiences can help anyone in any situation.

      Thank you again for all the support. 👍👍

      Liked by 1 person

      • M
        July 22, 2022 at 12:59 pm

        👍

        Like

  3. July 25, 2022 at 9:20 am

    The ancient Greek stoics wrote about this, urging us to celebrate the Now, to contemplate our mortality. Whether through age, wisdom, illness, or life experience, the sooner we can grasp this idea of appreciating the present and the overlooked gifts, the sooner we can figure out what we are doing for our remaining time on earth whether it be days or years. Blessings of strength to you, Kelly.

    Liked by 1 person

    • July 26, 2022 at 7:59 am

      Hi Evelyn thank you so much for reading, liking and commenting on my blog. I really appreciate it. I completely agree with you and thank you for sharing some Greek history! I concur that it’s from history that we are able to gain insight on how to live our best life despite all the adversities that we may face in our lives. Wishing you many blessings and celebration of life!🥳🙏🙂❤🤗👍👍

      Liked by 1 person

  4. August 4, 2022 at 12:01 pm

    So many times I have wanted to die. It is the nature of being Bipolar and I have so much to be grateful for you and you were fighting to stay alive. It puts me to shame. 🙏🏽🥰🥰🙏🏽

    Liked by 1 person

    • August 4, 2022 at 2:30 pm

      Thank you for your continued support in reading, liking and commenting on my blog. I truly appreciate it. I think that you are very courageous as well 🙏🙏🥰🥰💖💖

      Liked by 1 person

      • August 4, 2022 at 4:16 pm

        Thank you so much!! Very much appreciated. I look forward to more posts from you.🥰🥰🙏🏽🙏🏽

        Liked by 1 person

      • August 4, 2022 at 8:28 pm

        Awww your awesome thank you so much 🥰🥰🙏🙏❤❤

        Liked by 1 person

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