Freedom or Self Torture?

Once I was in remission, I started researching and analyzing all the information and statistics of experiencing a relapse for my particular type of cancer.  The very thought of having a relapse would paralyze me and bring on a new level of fear that would overtake my mind and body.  Could I handle a relapse?  Would I survive? 

Overthinking was my worst enemy at the time.  It was a different form of fear that was clouding my emotions and mind that would physically manifest itself in the form of more pain and anguish.  Instead of being overjoyed with my cancer-free diagnosis, I allowed negative comments and doubts from others to consume my thoughts.  My mood changed from happiness and being grateful to be alive to imagining scenarios were my cancer was back and possibility of not surviving which caused me to feel a paralyzing fear and be extremely worrisome.  I was so consumed by these thoughts that I was creating problems that didn’t exist.  Suddenly through prayer, God made me realize that all this negative energy brought mental and physical pain. I needed to stop thinking about having the worst-case scenario.  I had already experienced the worst-case scenario in my life and survived thanks to God. I had no control of the situation then why did I want to control the future now? I just needed to let it be.  No amount of worry and fear can change the outcome; therefore, I needed to surrender those problems onto God and release myself from this self-torture.

As a cancer survivor, I learned that it is best to stop worrying and doubting and to have faith in God that things will work out for the best.  Perhaps not everything is exactly how I planned it, but it’s the way it’s meant to be.  “Give your worries to the LORD and he will take care of you.” (Psalm 55:22 NCV)


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